Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 10:07
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Out of habit.
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
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One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
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What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
It went nun-detected.
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
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A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
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Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
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Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
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“Same is in town, Father, $20”
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
Irish Nun Jokes
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99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
“Why, my son?”
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
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2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
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I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
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And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
“Is that true father?”
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
Because it’s a bad habit.
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
She was nun-derpaid.
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
She had a filthy habit.
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
The man exclaims,
What do you call a naked nun?
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
100 Nuns
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
How many nuns have a husband?
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
She felt nun-welcomed.
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
A horse walks into a bar…
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
How did a prostitute become a nun?
The nun scolds the priest.
Nun.
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
Knock! Knock!
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
The nuns
Priest and Nun Jokes
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
Cloisters.
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
Sorry, it’s a habit.
Why did the nun get kicked out?
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
Virgin mobile.
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
It’d be a hard habit to break.
A nun and a priest are playing golf
She had a drug habit.
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
Nun who?
Nun!
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
Nun-jas.
“It’s Superman!”
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
The third nun fainted.
Nun-precedented.
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
No meat
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
How much money do nuns have?
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
Nun-chucks.
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
Nun.
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
Slim to Nun?
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
The third nun fainted.
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
A priest is walking down the street…
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
you have to be single and
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
How many Women Priest are there?
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
Ba-nun-as.
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
Virgin Mobile.
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
Best Nun Jokes
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
A nun-profit.
4 Nuns
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
A roamin’ Catholic.
Stag-nun-t.
The other has soap in her hole.
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
Nun.
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
What do you call oyster nuns?
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
“It’s a plane!”
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
A priest was confronted by a p**….
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
What do you call nun in heaven?
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
“I burned them.”
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
I wrote a novel about religious women.
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Joshua, son of Nun.
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
The younger one didn’t touch it.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
Nun showed up.
Nun.
Again, the Nun warns him.
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
It’s nun of your business.
Fi-nun-ce.
Why was the new nun sad?
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
“Anything father.”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
What do you call a Nun on the run?
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
What do you call an alpha nun?
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
Are you looking for the best nun comedy around? Don’t look elsewhere! The most hilarious nun jokes have been gathered by us, and they’re sure to make you laugh out loud.
Faith book.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
Nun of your business!
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
A young priest…
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
What do you call a nun on a bike?
“Yes it is, sister.”
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
A cardinal mistake.
A nun rolling down a hill.
Holey.
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
What type of books do nuns read?
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
Nun-related.
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
A nun is walking to church.
Why are nuns so predictable?
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”
Nun of your business.
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
You dress her up like an altar boy
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
A soldier approaches a nun.
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
And then a voice booms from above…
What do you call a women-led monastery?
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
Note:
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
A pen-nun-t.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
What does a nun wear under her habit?
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
The taste.
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
To make sure the other nun gets none.
Nun-fiction.
How much s**… does a priest have?
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
Bad habits.
Nun Jokes for Adults
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
“I poked holes in them.”
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
“Yes sister?”
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
4 nuns died and went to heaven
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
you must be Catholic.”
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
That’s a hard habit to break.
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
She couldn’t see that well.
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
A priest and a nun …
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
“Is that when you swore?”
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
Domi-nun-t.
A nun gets out of bed
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
“I’m telling everybody”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
Through her “missionary” work course.
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
Nun.
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
What kind of fun do priests have?
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
Nun-functional.
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
Nun Jokes One Liners
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
Three nuns walk into a bar
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
What kind of kids do nuns help?
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
Leprechaun nuns
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
This is nun-believable.
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
A force of habit.
She’s nun-touchable.
Dirty Nun Jokes
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
Who’s there?
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
A knock comes from the door.
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
Nun.
Nun-convent-ional.
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
Two nuns walk into a bar.
My parents are really religious
“This has to be a joke!”
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
“It’s a bird!”
A man walks into a bar…
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
Nun.
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
Virgin Mobile.
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
When she flies over, people say:
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
A cabbie picks up a nun…
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
Four nuns have just died
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
The fourth one ducks
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
Nun.
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
Hilarious Nun Jokes
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
Nun-derprivileged.
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
Nun of the above.
NSFW
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
They’re creatures of habit.
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
4 nuns go to heaven
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
I have an a-nun-cement.
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
Nun-derwear.
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
Clean Nun Jokes
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
Nun Solo.
The c**… had a hole in it.
He’s nun-objectionable.
One has hope in her soul
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
Funny Nun Jokes
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
We must stop this nun scents.
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
Nun-alcoholic.
Now, how about that drink?”
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
Nun.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
A nun, a priest and a politician…
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
She had a nasty habit.
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
She does it out of habit.
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Dress her as an altar boy.
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
Lettuce pray.
Nun are safe.
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
Nun.
She said that needles were habit forming.
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
It is Okay, I used a c**….
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”